Father’s prolonged absence from home
and the growing children
Q216 :I have been working in Saudi Arabia since
1980, having left my wife and children at home. All my four sons are
grown up and pursuing higher studies. I have been encouraging them to
seek more education so that they have the right opportunity to lead a
successful life. I have been sending them extracts from the Qur’an and
cuttings from Arab News and “Our Dialogue” in the hope that they
improve their religious education. I have provided them with books on
Islam, giving them strict instructions to read them. However, they have
not been giving much attention to their Islamic duties. What is more,
they do not treat their mother well. Indeed, they have shouted at her
and ill-used her. What I would like to ask is how should I treat them.
Should I kick them out of my house? If I keep them, do I share in their
disobedience of Allah? Should I go back home or should I continue to
press them to follow Islamic teachings?
A216 : It is certainly the responsibility of a
father to teach his children their Islamic duties and to give them
enough Islamic education to ensure that they understand the basic
principles of Islam and know what Allah requires of them by way of
duty. Unless he does that, he is accountable for this negligence. The
Prophet teaches us that we should tell our children to attend to their
prayers when they reach the age of seven. When they are ten, we would
netbine this with corporal punishment if they do not respond. Islam is
keen that a child learns to pray when he is young, so that prayer netes
naturally to him when it benetes a personal duty. Similarly a child is
encouraged to fast in Ramadan, either by fasting the odd days or part
of the days, progressing slowly as he grows older, so that when he
attains puberty and fasting benetes required of him, he does not find
it so difficult. What is a father’s responsibility when his children
are grown up? Should he punish them if they are negligent of their
Islamic duties? If he does, what would be the family situation like if
the son replies in kind and gives his father a beating? Islam
recognizes this possibility and, therefore, does not impose on a parent
more than what he can do without difficulty. Moreover, the principle of
individual responsibility is central to Islamic thinking. When a person
is required to fulfill certain duties, they are required of him alone.
Nobody else is questionable about the fulfillment of his duties. It is
not right that a father should agonize and worry if his son fails to
attend to his Islamic duties. What he should do is to remind him of his
duty now and then, in the best way which he thinks would bring the son
around to see the importance of attending to his worship. Allah says in
the Qur’an: “Bid members of your household to pray and persevere in
that.” So, what a man is required to do is to bid his family to do
their duties. If they do not do as they are bid, he is not accountable
for their failure. Let me now move to another aspect of your question,
namely, the treatment of parents by their children. It is well-known
that Islam requires every son and daughter to be dutiful to their
parents, extending to them the kindest treatment possible. If a son
fails to treat his parents kindly, he is guilty of disobedience to them
as well as to Allah. There are several references in the Qur’an to
kindness to parents as one of the most important duties of Islam.
Indeed, failure to be dutiful to one’s parents may deprive a person of
his chance to be admitted into heaven. We note that, in several
references in the Qur’an, dutifulness to parents is placed next to
believing in the Oneness of Allah as a universal duty. A Muslim is not
allowed to utter any word of annoyance to his parents or to speak
harshly to them. If a son hits his father or mother, he may not be
forgiven by Allah unless his abused parent forgives him first. Having
said that, I will now turn to your specific question. Let me say first
that I am not in a position to advise you on the practical scope which
you should or should not take. I do not know enough about your family
situation to even start thinking of practical steps. What I can tell
you is that if you can kick your sons out of your house in punishment
for what they have done to their mother, you are, theoretically
speaking, fully entitled to do so. You have done your duty by them, and
brought them up to a stage where they can rely on themselves for their
living. If you keep them in your house, on the other hand, you are not
disobedient to Allah. Therefore, it is only you who can decide what is
the best measure to be taken. May I say, however, that your family
circumstances are not ideal. You have been living away from home for
nine years, leaving your wife to bring up four sons on her own at a
stage when they are beneting young men. She might have been totally
ill-equipped for the task. It is indeed a task that requires close
cooperation between both parents. You speak of giving your sons strict
orders to read the books you have left them so as to enrich their
Islamic education. You have been sending them cuttings and passages of
the Qur’an. But you do not know whether they have netplied with your
orders or not. Indeed, the very thought of giving such strict orders at
a distance and expecting your sons to follow these orders with
diligence is rather naive. How can you expect that the temperament of
youth could be restrained by a far away father who gives orders which
may not seem to the recipients even remotely relevant. When you have
sent your children these orders and bought them these books, you might
have thought that you have done all you can to bring them up as good
Muslims. You should have thought better and realized that bringing up
young men requires much more than that. I am not trying to justify
your sons’ attitude. To my mind, there can be no justification
whatsoever for a son to verbally abuse his mother. What I am saying is
that the split family atmosphere is not most conducive to proper
upbringing of children. You have this problem on your hands and you
have to deal with it. You ask whether you should go back home. How can
I answer such a question? It is you who should decide on this, after
weighing the pros and cons of both alternatives. What is important is
that you should deal with the situation without delay. Perhaps you
should start with a visit to your family where you can study the
situation closely. If you feel that your presence there would remedy
the situation, then you should think seriously of terminating your stay
in Saudi Arabia and going back home. Such a visit cannot nete too soon,
at least from your wife’s point of view.
Our Dialogue ( Source : Arab News – Jeddah )