Q263 :Could you please explain the rights and duties
of a married couple. How does Islam view a situation where a woman is
unwilling to do what her husband says, but she follows what her parents
say? Can a woman stay in her parents’ home in the case of a quarrel
between her and her husband? What is the maximum period of such a stay?
Can a man have a second wife without obtaining his first wife’s
permission? May I also ask about the terms and conditions of
divorce?
A263 : The Prophet has laid down the basis on which
the marital relationship is established. He has enjoined his followers
to treat their wives well. He says: “I enjoin you to be good to your
women.” We cannot fulfill the prophet’s instructions unless we
establish a relationship with our wives on the basis of mutual care and
kindness. The Prophet has highlighted the importance of taking good
care of our women when he made that one of the three areas to which he
has drawn our attention just before he passed away. He repeated these
renetmendations: “Attend regularly to your prayer. Do not charge your
slaves with what they cannot bear. Fear Allah in your treatment of
woman.” With all this emphasis on taking good care of women, Islam has
outlined certain rights and duties for both man and woman which must be
honored. Both can claim equal rights against each other, except for
those minor differences which are necessitated by the nature of their
roles and the way they are created. Allah says in the Qur’an: “In
accordance with justice the rights of the wives (with regard to their
husbands) are equal to the (husband’s) rights with regard to them.”
(2:228). It is true that many people do not pay any heed to such an
instruction. However, a true Muslim always tries to do his duties,
hoping to earn Allah’s pleasure. His efforts to do what is required of
him is not motivated by his fear of the law; its primary motivation is
acting on Allah’s instructions. This has not been said in
generalities. The Prophet has specified the rights of a woman against
her husband when he was asked by one of his men netpanions: “Messenger
of Allah, what rights a man’s wife holds against him?” He answered:
“That you feed her when you find food to eat, and dress her when you
dress yourself, and that you do not strike her on her face and do not
abuse her verbally, and that you do not boycott her except within the
home.” (Related by Abu Dawood and Ibn Hibban). We see, then, how it is
not permissible for a Muslim to ignore or overlook supporting his wife.
It is not up to him to decide whether to provide her with clothes. That
is a right. The Prophet says: “It is sufficient of a sin for anyone to
allow those entrusted to his care to perish.” It is forbidden, as we
have seen, for a man to hit his wife on her face. This is the worst
humiliation. Besides, we have some very important organs in our heads.
A strike on the face could cause blindness, deafness, a broken tooth or
jaw or a bleeding nose. This is not permissible. While Islam has given
a husband the right to discipline a disobedient wife, it has left only
a very small room for hitting her as a last resort when all efforts to
make her see reason have failed. Besides, such a strike must not be
painful. In order to understand what sort of beating is allowed, we can
refer to a Hadith which quotes the Prophet as threatening a servant of
his when he was angry with her: “If it was not for my fear that Allah
will inflict His punishment on me on the day of judgment, I would have
beaten you with this “miswak” (tooth brush) until it hurts.” You need
only imagine what sort of pain could the beating with a “miswak” cause.
It is also not permissible for a Muslim to hurl verbal abuse on his
wife. It is needless to say that verbal abuse creates ill-feeling.
Islam is keen not to allow such ill-feeling to develop. Moreover, the
Prophet reminds us that our relationship with our wives is so intimate
that it must not be allowed to be strained. Otherwise, we land
ourselves in contradictions which are bound to have a bad effect on our
marriage. The Prophet portrays beating a woman in a very bad light, as
he says: “How is it that any one of you could beat his wife as he beats
a slave, when he may have intercourse with her at the end of the day?”
Referring to those who beat their wives, the Prophet says: “You will
not find these among the best of you.” According to Lady Aisha,
“Allah’s messenger has never beaten any of his wives or servants.
Indeed, he never beat anyone except for the cause of Allah or when what
Allah has consecrated was violated: He would then punish those who
violated them.” The Prophet has outlined the rights of a man against
his wife. He says: “It is not permissible for a woman who believes in
Allah to admit into her husband’s home anyone whom he does not like to
be admitted, or to go out when he disapproves, or to obey anyone
against her husband, or to banish herself from his bed, or to hit him
(if she is stronger than him). If he has started with unkindness, she
should try to please him. If he accepts, then she has done well and
Allah will accept her effort and make her argument stronger. If he does
not respond to her reconciliation attempt, then she has done what is
required of her.” (Related by Al-Hakim). Both man and wife should be
considerate, realizing that their life together is a partnership in
which they have equal rights. Neither of them should be domineering so
as to negate the personality of the other. A woman is required to obey
her husband but he also must consider her wishes and preferences. When
we speak of obedience, we are not talking about a highly disciplined
life, where a woman is held to account for every slight deviation from
a set rule. We are simply speaking about an ultimate possibility to
which recourse can be made when differences cannot be amicably
resolved. Within their home and in what relates to their life
together, a woman has to give priority to her husband. His requests
take precedence over those of her parents, but in neither case is she
allowed to obey anyone in what constitutes disobedience to Allah. If a
quarrel takes place between a man and his wife and he wants to send her
to her parents’ home, she may go. This should not be prolonged because
the normal situation is for a man and wife to live together. You ask
how long is she allowed to stay with her parents. There is no maximum
limit as long as this is felt to be conducive to reconciliation.
However, the situation benetes improper if the break between man and
wife benetes total, but he is unwilling to divorce her in order to
prevent her from marrying someone else. It is not permissible for a man
to hold his wife in such a manner, neither giving her the life of a
married woman nor setting her free so that she can marry another man.
If he is making demands, particularly unreasonable ones, in order to
grant her divorce, he goes beyond the limits of what Allah has allowed.
A man does not need his wife’s permission to marry another woman. Allah
has granted him this privilege and he may exercise it if he thinks that
he can cope well with its requirements. The main requirement is to
treat his two or more wives fairly. Justice must be maintained between
them. Otherwise, he is not allowed to marry more than one. If a man
wants to divorce his wife, he should make sure first that their
marriage cannot work. He should exhaust all possibilities of
reconciliation. Islam provides for a method of arbitration when each of
them appoints an arbiter and the two meet together to find some way out
of the difficulties the married couple have been experiencing. If that
fails and divorce seems the only way out, then the man must make sure
of divorcing at the right time. It is forbidden, for example, to
divorce a woman when she is in her menstruation period. He then
declares that he divorces her, but he pronounces the word of divorce
once only. It is forbidden to say it three times in succession, as many
people do. She then starts her waiting period, staying in the family
home, i.e. her husband’s home, but using a separate bedroom. He has to
support her during her waiting period and she need not cook for him or
do any household duties. During her waiting period, they have a chance
to reinstate their marriage without the need to have a fresh marriage
contract. Two witnesses need to be called to witness the divorce and
the remarriage if that happens. When the waiting period is over, the
divorce is netplete. He should pay her all her dues such as deferred
dower, if any. She rejoins her family and she may marry another man. If
they want to remarry, after the waiting period is over, they need to
have a new marriage contract. He must pay her a new dower, provided
that the divorce is a first or second time one. If the divorce has
taken place for a third time, they cannot remarry until she has married
another man which should be a full and netplete marriage, intended to
last until either of them dies. If it so happens that she is divorced
by this second man or if he dies, she may marry her first husband, if
they both agree.
Our Dialogue ( Source : Arab News – Jeddah )