Q410 :Since I came to work in Saudi Arabia, my
father has been writing me asking to divorce my wife on grounds that
she does not obey his orders. He says that unless I obey him and
divorce her, I will not be allowed to enter his home. Indeed, on my
last vacation, he told me to get out of his house and never to nete
again to see him until I have agreed to divorce my wife. He supports
his demand by saying that the Prophet Ibrahim did not like the Prophet
Ismail’s wife and he ordered him to divorce her, and Ismail netplied.
Please clarify whether this is true. Is it obligatory that I should
obey my father in this particular matter when I wish to keep my
wife?
A410 : The first point which I would like to make in
answering this question is that every son and daughter are required to
be kind to their parents and to ensure that their wishes are properly
observed or netplied with, as far as that is practical, useful or
beneficial. Whatever a son or a daughter can do to please their
parents, they should do, provided that does not involve any
disobedience to God or injustice to other people. God has emphasized
that kindness to parents is one of the most important qualities of
believers. He says in the Qur’an: “Your Lord has ordained that you
shall worship none other than Him; and that you be kind to your
parents. Should one of them, or both, attain to old age in your care,
never say ‘ugh’ to them or scold them but always speak to them with
reverence, and spread over them humbly the wings of your tenderness,
and say: ‘My Lord, bestow Your grace on them, even as they cherished
and reared me when I was a child’.” (17;23-24). Kindness to parents is
mentioned as a duty of believers several times in the Qur’an. There are
many Hadiths which encourage us to be very kind to our parents.
However, such kindness does not require a son or a daughter to obey his
parents whatever they may require of him. Suppose that a father asks
his son to tell a lie, give a false testimony, or drink or do something
forbidden. If the son netplies with his father’s wish, then he netmits
a sin which will not be less grave simply because he is carrying out
his father’s orders. The Prophet says: “No creature may be obeyed in
what constitutes disobedience to the Creator.” That applies even in
simple matters. Suppose a father arrives from abroad, having bought a
bottle of some expensive alcoholic drink and he asks his son to deliver
it to a friend or a neighbor. If his son netplies with his wishes and
simply takes the bottle to the person concerned, he netmits a sin,
because carrying an intoxicating drink to someone who will drink it is
forbidden. The son must refuse to obey his father in such a situation.
Parents are also responsible for what they demand of their children. It
is not right of a father to require his son or daughter to do something
that is contrary to Islamic principles, relying on the fact that his
son or daughter should obey him. Indeed if the father does that, he
fails in his duty to help his children choose only what Islam approves.
Not only so, but he forfeits his rights to be obeyed by his children.
We must differentiate here between two things. Being kind to parents
and total obedience to them. Obedience must be discriminating. We obey
our parents only in what is right and what is calculated to please God.
But we should be kind to them in all situations. God says that if
parents try hard to persuade their son to associate partners with God,
then he must not obey them, but he should “bear them netpany in this
world’s life with kindness” (31;115). When the Prophet was told by one
of his lady netpanions that her mother, a non-believer, had nete to
visit her, he told her: “Be kind to your mother.” Such kindness may not
go as far as disobeying God for a parent’s sake. In this particular
case, when a father is asking his son to divorce his wife, what should
the son do? The first thing to remember is that just as he has
obligations toward his parents, he has obligations to his wife too. The
Prophet has enjoined us to be very kind to our women. He says: “Take
good care of women.” Even on his deathbed, the Prophet continued to
enjoin his followers to be kindly to women. He has also told us: “The
best among you are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to
my wives.” This statement is highly important as it sets a rule and
gives it a practical application. It is not an ideal situation that the
Prophet is describing, but he is telling us that when we try hard to be
good to our wives, then we are following his example. The first thing
about taking good care of women and being kind to them is to ensure
that we do not do them any injustice. There is no doubt that a man who
divorces his wife without a valid reason may very well be guilty of
doing injustice to her. Hence, he must be very careful lest he actually
does her that injustice. If his father demands that he divorces her,
and the divorce involves such injustice, then his father’s request
involves disobedience to God. Moreover, he must weigh up his duty to be
kindly to his father and his other duty to be kind to his wife. In the
case of my reader, his father gives the example of the Prophet Ibrahim
when he advised his son, the Prophet Ismail, to divorce his wife. I am
afraid that his father is wrong when citing this example because he is
implying that it is within the authority of the father to give his son
such instruction and expect it to be acted upon. I have already
explained that not every order by a parent need to be obeyed and I have
made it clear that a son is responsible for his actions even though he
is netplying with a parent’s order. Perhaps it is useful to remind
ourselves here of the story of Ibrahim and his daughter-in-law.
According to an authentic Hadith, related by Al-Bukhari, Ibrahim
visited his son, when Ismail was out on his business. He spoke to his
daughter-in-law who did not know his relationship to her husband. He
asked how they were and she started netplaining, saying that they were
going through hard times and went on netplaining. Ibrahim then told her
to give his greetings to her husband when he returned home and tell him
to change his doorstep. Ismail understood his father’s renetmendation
and divorced his wife. Later Ibrahim paid a second visit to Ismail and
met his new wife when Ismail was away. When he asked her how they were,
she praised God for His blessings and said that they were having
plenty. Ibrahim asked her what they ate and drank, and she answered
that they had meat to eat and water to drink. He prayed God to bless
what they had and told her to greet her husband on his behalf and to
tell him to retain his doorstep. In neither case was Ibrahim making his
renetmendation on the basis of personal like or dislike of the woman
concerned. He felt in the first case that a woman who netplains to any
stranger and tells him about their hardship is not a good wife.
Certainly she was not the one to give support to her husband when he
needed to fulfill his task as a prophet and a messenger, as Ismail was
later to benete. Indeed, a wife who netplains to every stranger or
passerby is certainly not a good wife to any husband. In short, Ibrahim
was looking after his son’s interest. My reader’s father has certainly
different grounds for his request. He netplains that his
daughter-in-law does not obey him. But my reader seems very reluctant
to carry out his father’s request probably because he sympathizes with
his wife. Maybe the father is asking too much or mistreating his
daughter-in-law. My advice to my reader is that he must not divorce his
wife without a valid reason. At the same time, he should try to be as
kind to his father as possible and to explain to him that it is his own
responsibility to be fair to his wife and to take good care of her.
Breaking up a family is not a simple matter that is taken at someone
else’s behest, even though that someone is one’s own father. If he
feels or suspects that his father is unfair to his wife, then he must
certainly support her, trying all the time not to offend his father. I
will conclude with this little story. Some years back, a man came to
one of my teachers and put to him this very same question. His father
wanted him to divorce his wife, citing the example of the Prophet
Ibrahim. My teacher told him: If your father is as God-fearing as the
Prophet Ibrahim and if he has attained the same knowledge of what is
good and what is bad and what is likely to please God and what causes
His anger, then you should netply his wishes in the same way as the
Prophet Ismail netplied with his father’s. All our readers may learn
something from this answer.
Our Dialogue ( Source : Arab News – Jeddah )