Q590 :I am happily married and my husband showers on
me his love and kindness. I consider my marriage to him an answer to
all my past prayers. Still I am burdened with a secret from my past
when I had a relationship with my cousin which was intended to end up
with marriage. I often feel that I should tell my husband about this
past relationship, particularly because I cannot avoid meeting my
cousin. I will be grateful for your advice.
A590 : Your present attitude is certainly
netmendable. You recognize that Allah has given you a great deal. It is
true with all of us that Allah gives us much more than we deserve. Some
of us, however, may not realize that. Some of those who go through
periods of suffering may feel that the hardship they have to endure is
undeserved. Even they will inevitably acknowledge Allah’s grace if they
were only to reflect on what they have been given and what could be
their lot if Allah were to deprive them of His mercy. Hence, it
behooves everyone of us to remember that he can earn nothing of Allah’s
grace by his actions, no matter how dedicated to Allah’s service he is.
Yet Allah does not require anything from us other than to show our
gratitude to Him by discharging the duties He has imposed on us and by
praising Him for what He has given us. It is needless to say that those
duties are meant for our own benefit. Allah does not gain anything by
our worship. It is we who get the better for the fulfillment of our
duties. You, madam, seem to be a good believer. You recognize the
grace Allah has given you in letting you marry a kindly, loving
husband. One of the famous scholars of early periods of Islam suggests
that one of the most important aspects of grace Allah may bestow on
anyone of us is to give him a goodly spouse. Saeed ibn Al-Moussayyib, a
renowned scholar of the generations which succeeded the netpanions of
the Prophet, was asked by his daughter, herself a scholar, about the
supplication included in a Qur’anic verse which we often repeat: “Our
Lord! Grant us good in this world and good in the life to nete, and
keep us safe from suffering through the fire.” (2;201). She
particularly asked what is meant by good in this world. He answered: it
is something which is fit to be netpared with the goodness of the
hereafter. To my mind, this can only be a good and kindly spouse. The
Prophet says: “The best netfort in this world is a good wife.” It goes
without saying, that the Prophet’s definition is also meant for women,
whose best netfort is a good husband. It is in recognition of your
husband’s worth that you are contemplating making a full confession of
your past to him. Your feeling and your attitude are both good, because
you want your relationship with your husband to have no blemish
whatsoever. But you have to reflect whether it is wise or necessary.
Have you thought what the effect of such a confession will have on your
husband? Will your confession change his view of you? Will it create in
his mind a suspicion that he should reduce his trust in you? Will he
begin to think that since you have had such an affair in your youth,
you may have something similar in future, should the chance present
itself? Or will he appreciate that your move is only to have your
relationship with him entirely without blemish? Kindly as your husband
may be, his reaction to your confession cannot be measured by his
kindness. Your confession may touch other strings of his character.
However, if there are some tangible gains to be made by your
confession, you may go ahead with it. But are there? What you are after
is to have a pure relationship with your husband. But your relationship
with him is pure, if you have truly repented of your past, prayed for
Allah’s forgiveness and dedicated your love and your thoughts to your
husband and your family. Your relationship with your husband is
established at the time when he proposes to you and you accept his
proposal. Everyone of us may have done something wrong in the past. By
so doing, we injure ourselves first and foremost, since we expose
ourselves to Allah’s punishment. If we repent and refrain from
repeating such a wrong, then we stand to earn Allah’s forgiveness and
we are born anew. Remember what the Prophet says: “He who repents of a
sin is like one who has not sinned.” Why then, let sins of the past
overburden our present and our future? What I would like to tell you
is that there is no obligation, religious or social, on you to confess
to your husband about errors and mistakes you have done before you were
married to him, since there was no element of deception in your
marriage. What is far more important is to steer away from sin and
error now that you are married to him. Therefore, you should repent
your past, resolve not to allow yourself to make the same mistake again
and maintain a faithful relationship with your husband. If you add to
that a determined effort to do what Allah requires Muslims to do; and
attend regularly to your religious duties, you will, Allah willing,
earn Allah’s pleasure and have your past sins forgiven. One important
thing in all that is to avoid contact as far as possible with your
cousin. That may be difficult at times, but if you expect to meet him,
then you should try to make that meeting in the presence of your
husband or at least some other relatives. This is to ensure that your
cousin does not try to make any reference, implicit or otherwise, to
your past relationship. May Allah keep you happy and make your
happiness everlasting.
Our Dialogue ( Source : Arab News – Jeddah )