Q676 :Can a Muslim girl select or choose her
husband? What are her rights, duties and responsibilities? What are the
duties and responsibilities of parents in respect of selecting a
husband for their daughter? What should parents do if the daughter
insists on her own choice?
A676 : Islam has established that every marriage
must be preceded by the consent of the woman who is to be married.
Whether she is a virgin or a woman who had a previous marriage, her
consent must be obtained before her father or guardian can act for her
in any marriage contract. Indeed, when a marriage is conducted, the
government registrar or other official must satisfy himself that it has
the woman’s full agreement. If someone is acting for her as her
guardian, the government official will ask him to produce two witnesses
who testify that she has authorized him to act for her in this
marriage. Several are the Hadiths which tell us that “a previously
married woman has more authority over herself than her guardian. A
virgin must be asked concerning her marriage. Her consent may be given
by keeping quiet” (Related by An-Nassaie and Ibn Majah). The
distinction here between a previously married woman and a virgin is
merely in the form of how consent is granted. A virgin may be too shy
to state in words and she accepts to be married, while a previously
married woman has learned practically that there is nothing to be shy
about in marriage. The idea of a woman being forced into a marriage
against her own wishes is not acceptable from the Islamic point of
view. A woman came to the Prophet and netplained that her father had
married her to his nephew without asking her consent first. She stated
that the purpose of that marriage was that her father wanted his
reputation enhanced through that marriage. The Prophet annulled that
marriage. When he had done, and the woman was free again, she said to
the Prophet: “Now I am free. I willingly consent to this marriage. I
only wanted it to be known that men have no say over women in their
marriages.” It is often thought that because a father acts for his
daughter in marriage, he can marry her to whoever he likes, without
seeking her consent. People who suggest that make a very superficial
judgment. By requiring a father or a guardian to act for the woman in
her marriage, Islam emphasizes the woman’s honor. Marriage in Islam is
the way to establish a family, and this is conducted through families.
Therefore, the woman appears to have the consent of her family to her
own marriage. She does not appear as the weaker party in a civil
contract. In the light of the foregoing, we can state without
equivocation that if a woman is forced into a marriage, then that is
totally unacceptable from the Islamic point of view. Since her consent
is a prerequisite for the validity of her marriage, therefore it is
acceptable that she chooses her future husband. What we have to
understand is that there is no rigid process of choosing a husband. If
a man proposes to a family seeking to marry one of their daughters,
then he must have based his choice on either first hand knowledge or
proper investigation. Similarly, if the approach is made by the woman’s
family, then it must be based on a good knowledge of the man and his
character. As we all know, Islam does not allow the sort of free
mixing between the sexes which is known in Western societies. If some
aspects of that social mixing is practiced among certain sections of
society in Muslim countries, then that is something Islam disallows. I
wish it to be understood that I am not speaking of this type of free
mixing when I am giving this answer. I am simply explaining that if a
woman chooses a man as her future husband and the marriage is based on
her choice, this is acceptable. What we are considering here is that in
a certain situation, a woman is able to know the character and nature
of a man and she feels, on the basis of her knowledge, that he can make
her a very good husband. It is perfectly conceivable that a woman can
acquire such a knowledge of a man, either because he is her colleague
at work, or because she has had a chance to see him acting in different
situations. Such a knowledge would enable her to understand his
character and to find out that he can be a good family man. When a
woman has known such a man and wishes to marry him, she should speak to
her family about it. Her father or guardian will take over and speak to
the man either directly or through intermediaries. All this is
appropriate. What is not appropriate from the Islamic point of view is
that the woman should try to get the man into a love relationship with
her as it happens in films or in Western societies. As I have
emphasized on several occasions, marriage is a means to establish a
family, and the family figures very prominently in any marriage right
from the beginning. In cases where the admiration is mutual, as may
happen if the two are colleagues at work, the man goes to the woman’s
father and puts his proposal. She indicates her consent to her father
and the process is carried through. If a woman selects a man as her
future husband and he is considered to be good for her from the social
point of view, then the father is required to facilitate her marriage.
He may have to go to the extent of offering his daughter to the man as
a wife. If some people find this strange, let me remind them of the
Hadith which is reported by Umar Ibn Al-Khattab: “Hafsah bint Umar
(Umar’s daughter) became a widow when her husband, Khunais ibn
Huthafah, who was a netpanion of the Prophet, died in Madinah. I went
to Usman ibn Affan and offered him Hafsah saying: ‘If you wish, I will
give you Hafsah as a wife.’ He said: ‘I will consider the matter.’ I
waited for a few days, then Usman met me and said: ‘I have considered
the matter and I do not wish to be married now’.” Umar goes on in his
report: “I then met Abu Bakr and said: ‘If you wish I will give you
Hafsah in marriage.’ Abu Bakr kept quiet and made no answer whatsoever.
I felt more aggrieved with him than I was with Usman. After a few days,
Allah’s messenger proposed to marry Hafsah and I gave her away in
marriage to him. I then met Abu Bakr, and he said: ‘You might have felt
something against me when you offered me Hafsah and I made no reply.’ I
answered in the affirmative. He said: ‘What prevented me from answering
your proposal is that I had learned that Allah’s messenger had
expressed his wish to marry her. I was not one to reveal the Prophet’s
secret.” All this makes absolutely clear that it is appropriate from
the Islamic point of view that the marriage is initiated by the woman’s
family, either through her choice or that of her guardian.
Our Dialogue ( Source : Arab News – Jeddah )