Q172 :One of our friends married a girl with a
university degree. They have barely lived three months together when
she went back to stay in her parents’ home. She has been living with
them for more than a year now, stating that she wants a divorce. Her
husband, who seems to us to be a good man in every respect is unwilling
to give her divorce, because he wants his marriage to succeed. In our
netmunity, a stigma is cast over a divorcee which may jeopardize her
chances of marrying again, and indeed the chances of her sisters. Yet,
the wife of our friend seems determined, stating that this would be her
first and last marriage. We may add that her parents have given her
support. Please advise.
A172 : Something must have gone drastically wrong
with this marriage. It is often the case that newly married people
experience some profound disappointment as they begin to discover the
sort of transformation their lives are taking after marriage. Personal
peculiarities may not be easy to overlook or reconcile. Sometimes
quarrels may take place over small matters or for causes which are
difficult to pinpoint. It is often the case that patience and the
willingness to understand the other party’s likes and dislikes,
prejudices and preferences, is all that is needed to bring stability to
a marriage and establish a degree of mutual affection between a man and
his wife which is far more important than any passionate love of the
type poets and men of letters are never tired of describing. From
another point of view, when you go into a marriage, you are clear in
your mind that you are establishing a relationship which you hope will
last for the rest of the couple’s life. Things must go badly wrong for
a married couple to want to break their relationship three months after
living together. I can only say that your friend and his wife must have
made plenty of mistakes, and must have caused each other much
unhappiness to make matters reach such a stage. [One of the aspects
affecting may be pride; which is described by the Prophet, peace be
upon him, as: “Ignoring the truth and denying people their rights.”] It
is also most probably true to say that the mistakes were on both sides,
I do not question your testimony in favor of your friend’s character,
but I can say that it is impossible for anyone of us to tell how a
friend of his behaves at home, or how he treats his wife. Although you
have not given me details of what took place between your friend and
his estranged wife, I can say that the unnetpromising attitude of the
woman in this case provides some indications. Those three months must
have been so hard for her that she is now adamant that she would never
be married again. It is quite possible that she is to blame for much of
the troubles that have shaken the foundations of her marital home. Be
that as it may, she must feel that her reasons for wanting to be
divorced are so strong, as far as she is concerned, that she is willing
to accept the social stigma that is cast over a divorcee in your
society, as you say. This is further strengthened by the support she
enjoys from her parents. They are more likely to take a less passionate
view. They have to look after the interests of their other five
daughters who, you admit, will be affected by the outnete of this case.
They apparently recognize that it is hopeless to try to patch up the
differences between their daughter and her husband. My advice to your
friend is to adopt a cool approach, realizing that it is no use
continuing with a marriage if the other party is determined to break
it. This is bound to prolong the misery. If he knows his father-in-law
to be a reasonable man, he should suggest to him the process Allah has
outlined to achieve reconciliation. This involves the appointment of
two arbiters, one from each family, who should meet and discuss the
differences and problems of this marriage and degree of reconciliation,
outlining what each party must expect from the other. The arbiters
should refer to the two parties concerned and determine whether they
can implement the points they have agreed between them. If everyone
involved approaches the matter with goodwill, then reconciliation is
sure to be achieved. If not, then the arbiters, or the man and his wife
should work out the terms of their separation and divorce. If the man
takes the initiative and divorces his wife, then it is a simple case of
divorce and he has to give the woman all her rights, including her full
dower. If he does not and feels that he would still prefer to go
through with the marriage, but the woman is persistent in her demand to
be divorced, then the case is one of “khola”. This is a term which
applies to a case of dissolution of the marriage at the wife’s request.
The husband is unwilling to divorce her because he prefers to maintain
his marriage. An Islamic court could grant a wife’s application for
‘khola’, outlining the terms of separation. The husband is entitled to
have back all the dower he has given his wife at the time of the
marriage. Whatever your friend and wife ultimately decide, each of
them must remember that Allah will hold them to account for their
deeds. Therefore, each one of them should be keen to treat the other
fairly and to make sure that the rights of the other are absolutely
respected and guaranteed.
Our Dialogue ( Source : Arab News – Jeddah )