Q186 :I met my husband when he was studying in the
United States. He gave me literature about Islam and I became convinced
of its truth. Shortly afterward, I became a Muslim. However, when we
got married, my father-in-law did not approve of our marriage. He
continues to be angry with his son. My husband has tried hard to
persuade his father to accept our marriage. Still the same attitude
persists. My husband is deeply hurt because he wants to show his
dutifulness to his father, but he is rebuffed every time. Do you think
we have done something wrong? Is my husband in a sinful position for
disobeying his father?
A186 : We have to distinguish between dutifulness
and absolute obedience to one’s parents. You can be highly dutiful, but
you do not necessarily obey everything your parents say. After all,
parents are not infallible. They are human beings who are liable to
err. If you know that your father is mistaken, or in error, and you
follow what he says, then you are accountable for his bidding. He does
not bear the responsibility for your action, although it is he who has
ordered you to do it. He is responsible for his action, which is
telling you to disobey Allah, but you are also responsible for what you
do, which is disobeying Allah. Again, it is highly important from the
Islamic point of view to strive to please one’s parents. Kindness to
parents is often mentioned in the Qur’an next to believing in the
Oneness of Allah. The translation of the following verse is but one
example: “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none other than Him,
and that you show kindness to your parents” (17:23). Unfortunately,
some people interpret that as a sort of negating of a son’s or
daughter’s character and responsibility. This is not so. Ultimately,
each one of us is accountable for his or her action. Hence, we must do
only what we are convinced to be right and to please Allah. In order
to be dutiful to his parents, a grown-up son must treat them with
kindness and respect. If he shows disrespect to his father in public,
he is guilty of grave sin. If he is disrespectful to his father at
home, he incurs Allah’s displeasure. Now, deference to a father’s
opinion and proper respect of one’s father do not necessarily mean
total obedience in everything he says. A father may tell his son to do
something in a particular way, but the son may find that it is far more
beneficial to do it differently. He knows that his father would
disapprove, but he may still do it. He can try to win his father’s
acceptance, expressing respect and explaining the reasons for acting
against his wishes. Quite often, a father would be willing to change
his views. However, some people think that they are always right and
they always know better. This is just too bad. If you have to contend
with a father of this sort, you have to accept that you may have to
disobey him on some occasions. If you do, Allah will judge your
motives; not your father. In your particular case, what you and your
husband have done is right. Your husband simply married a woman of his
choice, knowing that she is virtuous and a good Muslim. If his father
disapproved, his father’s opinion is only an advice. It is not the
prerogative of a father to choose his son’s wife. That prerogative
belongs to the son, because he is old enough to be responsible for his
actions. Moreover, marriage is a relationship for life and the view of
the persons involved, i.e. the husband and wife, have paramount
importance. If a father is not allowed to marry his daughter away
without her consent, then a father has no authority to impose his view
on his son with regard to his marriage. Yet, your father-in-law’s view
is understandable if he simply had wanted his son to marry from his own
country. Nevertheless, he should broaden his mind to accept that it is
not nationality which makes a woman more suitable as a wife. It is her
character, her strength of faith and the care she takes of her husband.
If your husband has no netplaint on any of these counts, your
father-in-law has nothing to justify his objections. I believe that I
have made it quite clear that your husband’s position is not a sinful
one for disobeying his father. Indeed, his father cannot order him to
marry a particular woman. Moreover, now that your husband is married,
his father must reconsider his position. He should realize that his son
has not willfully disobeyed him but has given due importance to a
certain fact, such as the position of his wife and the way he feels
toward her. That is perfectly legitimate.
Our Dialogue ( Source : Arab News – Jeddah )