Q371 :When the parents of a friend of mine made a
proposal on his behalf to the parents of the girl whom he had promised
to marry, the proposal was not only rejected, they were also humiliated
and the girl concerned was made to suffer beatings. The only reason was
that the parents wanted their daughter to marry in her own mother’s
family in accordance with the tribal traditions. The girl is so
unfortunate that should her parents be intent on marrying her to
someone whom she does not like, they can do so against her will. It is
sufficient that the mother declares her approval of the marriage for it
to take place. The girl, however, is determined not to succumb and she
is being punished almost daily for her attitude. Since both parties
are living in Saudi Arabia, is it possible for the boy and the girl to
get married in an Islamic court in the Kingdom? I should perhaps add
that the present situation is causing much difficulty, particularly for
the girl. I shall be grateful for your advice.
A371 : It is unfortunate that when local traditions
are in conflict with Islamic teachings, people, in their ignorance, try
to conform to their traditions. They should realize that traditions may
have no sound basis, and they may be against the very interests of the
people whom they are supposed to serve. Islam is the religion Allah has
revealed in order to serve the interests of people. When people
implement it in their lives, they soon realize that the benefits which
accrue to them as a result of this implementation are immeasurable. On
the other hand, it is at their own peril that they abandon Islam. This
is a typical case of traditions being given supremacy over Islamic
teachings. Islam teaches us that it is the person who is important
when a proposal of marriage is made, not his position, wealth or family
connections. The Prophet tells us that when we want to choose a woman
to marry, we should look for a woman of good faith. He says: “A woman
is sought in marriage for one of four qualities: her beauty, her
wealth, her family connections and her faith. Seek, then, the woman of
faith if you want to be prosperous.” On the other hand, the Prophet
tells parents and guardians of girls of marriageable age to accept the
proposal of a person whose honesty and faith is of good standards. He
says: “If someone proposes to you and you find that his honesty and
strength of faith are satisfactory then accept his proposal. If you do
not, your refusal will lead to corruption on a far-reaching scale.”
These are the only criteria the Prophet lays down for us when we
consider proposals and marriage suits. Moreover, the Prophet gives us
a practical examples of how these principles should be implemented.
Julaibeen was a netpanion of the Prophet who had deserted his own
family when they tried to stop him accept Islam. He was a young man of
limited means, but his faith was very strong. The Prophet wanted to get
him married, but in his situation, few families would have accepted
him. Hence, the Prophet took it upon himself to find him a wife. He
spoke to the father of a girl who was of marriageable age. The father
wrongly understood that the Prophet wanted her to be his own wife. The
girl’s parents were very happy. When they realized, however, that the
Prophet was making the proposal on behalf of Julaibeen, they were
disappointed. They sat at home discussing how to tell the Prophet that
they did not accept the proposal. Their daughter, however, reminded
them that it was their duty to obey the Prophet. She made it clear that
she was willing to accept the Prophet’s proposal because it was
sufficient for her as a renetmendation of the bridegroom that the
Prophet himself made the offer. The parents soon recognized the
validity of her argument and accepted the marriage. According to
Islam, if the proposer is a man of good faith and good manners, then he
should be accepted. If he is not accepted then the rejection is deemed
unreasonable. This is what is known in Islam as “adhal.” Parents are
warned against resorting to adhal in order to stop the marriage of
their daughters. Moreover, Islam opens the door for any girl who is a
victim of adhal to put her case to a court of Islamic law. In such
cases, the Muslim judge will have to decide whether the parents’
objection is based on valid reasons or not. If he determines that the
rejection is made unreasonably, then the judge can assume guardianship
of the girl and give her away in marriage to the person who has
proposed to her. If the Islamic court makes such a decision, then it is
binding and the marriage is absolutely valid. The applicable rule is
that the ruler is the guardian of everyone in a Muslim society who has
no guardian. By unreasonable rejection, a father relinquishes his
guardianship of his own daughter. We should realize that this is in
perfect harmony with the Islamic view of marriage. Every man and woman
has the right to be married in order to satisfy their natural desires
lawfully. Hence, it is wrong for anyone to try to stop the marriage of
a woman in his charge without valid reasons. A guardian must look after
the young people in his charge and should not stand in the way of any
reasonable marriage. If the judge decides to take over the parents’
authority and allow the girl to be married to the person she wants,
despite her parents’ refusal, they may object to his decision on the
grounds of innetpatibility. The burden of proof lies on them in this
case. Local traditions are not taken as sufficient reasons for
rejecting a proposal from a good person. They cannot argue in the court
that in their locality the girl must marry in her mother’s own family.
They have to find fault with the man himself. To recap, if that girl
cannot persuade her parents to change their minds, it is possible for
her to put her case to an Islamic court and the judge will have to
decide whether her parents have acted unreasonably or not. If the court
finds in her favor, the judge can marry her to her suitor. Having said
that, however, I must add that sometimes parents have good reasons for
their attitude which may seem from our side to be unreasonable. Perhaps
it may be helpful in this case to approach someone who enjoys the
respect of the girl’s parents to intervene in order to solve this
problem amicably. This is a much better approach than going to the
court because when it netes to the law, people’s attitudes harden.
Moreover, parents should normally be obeyed by their children. They
should be made to understand that their daughter would not put her case
to the court unless other means to reach an amicable solution have
failed.
Our Dialogue ( Source : Arab News – Jeddah )