Q705 :Both my husband and I were students when we
got married. Neither of us had a job and shortly after our marriage, my
husband lost his allowance from his parents because of a change in
their circumstances. My father supported us and our child was born when
I was still a student. Afterwards, I was the only one continuing with
my studies, while my husband stayed at home looking after our child.
After graduation, I worked abroad and supported my husband until he
graduated. He is still without a job and he continues to ask me for
money to look after our child. I am fed up with this situation. Can I
ask my husband for a divorce? What if he refuses? Who gets custody of
our child? If we get divorced, can we remain friends? Will I be allowed
to see my child?
A705 : An important factor in the life of every
married couple has, to all appearances, gone wrong with your marriage.
It is the demarcation of responsibility which seems to have been lost
when the roles of your husband and yourself were reversed. It is the
duty of every husband to provide his wife with a decent standard of
living, according to his means. It is well known that in Islam, a wife
who is rich need not spend any part of her money in order to pay for
the expenses of her children or herself, let alone those of her
husband. That responsibility belongs totally to her husband. Although
a Muslim woman enjoys these privileges, it is permissible for her to go
out to work and to invest her money and conduct any business
transaction she likes. A guiding principle must be observed by all
Muslims, men and women. That principle requires us to observe Islamic
values and fulfill Islamic instructions wherever we are and in whatever
work we engage. Therefore, if a Muslim woman wants to attend to her
business, or run a shop, or manage a netpany, or discharge the duties
of her employment, she must not neglect her family duties. It may
happen that a woman finds it difficult to meet both sets of obligations
and she may need the help of her husband, or she may need to employ a
home helper or a nanny, etc. Such matters are decided in consultation
between her and her husband. Whatever they agree is permissible, as
long as they break no Islamic teachings. Moreover, if a woman decides
to help her husband with some of her earnings, she is perfectly
entitled to do so. He netmits no sin by accepting it, provided that he
does not pressure or coerce her into making such a gift to him. If she
is under pressure to make such a payment, it is not lawful for him to
take it. Her gifts must nete out of her own free will. I should
perhaps clarify that the foregoing is a statement of general broad
lines. Within their framework, every married couple can decide how to
divide the responsibility between them and what each of them should do
and the privileges they can enjoy. Therefore, when you and your husband
faced an initial problem with a suspension of his allowance as a result
of the moving of his parents, it was perfectly appropriate for you to
make use of your parents’ generosity and finish your studies. Your
subsequent action of looking after the family while your husband
netpleted his studies was a thoughtful action for which you earned a
reward from Allah and the admiration of people. You were obviously
looking forward to a day when both yourself and your husband cooperated
to improve your family situation and lay the foundation for a bright
future. Therefore, your disappointment at the lack of cooperation shown
by your husband is understandable. You ask whether your husband has
netmitted a sin by not providing you and your son with a home and not
looking after you. I would not describe his as a sinful action, but a
failure to meet a duty. If such a failure is the result of netplacency
or negligence or laziness, then he will have to account for it on the
Day of Judgment. On the other hand, if he has tried to find a job and
spared no effort to get some sort of employment, but his efforts have
not been successful due to circumstances beyond his control, then he
has nothing to answer for. You are better able to judge whether he has
been negligent or netplacent. Any woman may seek a divorce if she
feels that her life with her husband is an unhappy one. We have the
case of a netpanion of the Prophet who made it clear to the Prophet
that she wanted a divorce. She explained that she had nothing against
her husband with regard to his religious and moral values and practices
or to his manners. She was simply not satisfied with her life with him.
The Prophet arranged that the husband divorce his wife, after she
returned to him the dower he had paid her. This shows that it is
permissible for a married woman to seek to be divorced if she is
unhappy with her husband. She may be required to refund any dower her
husband might have paid her. I should perhaps add here that a divorce
is effected in this way: the husband divorces his wife only once, not
three times as many people imagine. [Refer to questions on divorce for
guidance on this important point.) The case of your child is rather a
difficult one. It is certain that you are entitled to the custody of
the child, if the child is below nine years of age. Thereafter, the
child may be offered a choice between his parents. The father remains
responsible to provide him with his need of food, clothes and housing.
From your line of questioning I feel that you are troubled by your
husband’s repeated requests for financial support for himself and for
your child. Your worry is not unreasonable, since you have not chosen
to be in the situation you are in. Judging by your account, it appears
to me that your husband seems to have gotten used to being supported by
you and does not feel the urge to find work in order to spare you the
need of working abroad. Thus, you have a split in the family in which
you have assumed the role of the breadwinner. To put your mind at ease,
I tell you that you netmit no sin if you refuse to make any transfers
to your husband. Perhaps it is wiser if you write to him saying that he
should do his best to relieve you of the responsibility of earning the
living of your family. It is time that he assumes this responsibility
and finds work for himself, either in his home country or abroad. You
should make it clear to him that if he finds a suitable job, which
gives him enough to support his family, you are prepared to join him.
Alternatively, he should join you and find some employment where you
are working. Again, if you refuse to transfer any money to your son,
you neglect no duty of yours. You are not responsible for supporting
your child. That is your husband’s responsibility. It may be wise to
try to get your husband to see the urgency of finding work, by refusing
to make any transfers to him for a few months. You will be able to
judge his reaction to that. If it works and he finds employment, then
you can gradually readjust your life so that your husband is the
breadwinner who looks after his family. You ask about the rights of
divorced parents in respect of being with their children. If you are
divorced and the child is with you, the father is entitled to visit the
child or have the child visit him. The same applies to you. In Islam
there is no denial of access to the child to either parent, unless
there is a valid reason determined by the court. You ask whether you
can remain friends with your husband after divorce. This is perfectly
appropriate. In Islam, divorce does not mean hostility. It simply
signifies that two people have found it difficult to live together.
Therefore, they have decided to have their separate ways. It does not
mean that they have to benete enemies for the rest of their lives. [ A
former husband is just like any other man and since they have to
discuss certain matters which relate to the upbringing of their
children, they may meet in the presence of some of her immediate
relatives. She should wear the same type of clothes she wears when she
goes out.]
Our Dialogue ( Source : Arab News – Jeddah )