Q77 :An ancient social custom in my part of the
world differs from what prevails in most other places, in the sense
that after marriage, it is the bridegroom who stays in the house of the
bride. Some religious preachers from outside the city are now saying
that this practice is contrary to the Qur’anic rulings. I heard a
preacher saying in his Friday sermon that the Qur’an instructs a Muslim
man who divorces his wife to keep her in his home during her waiting
period. How can a man abide by this instruction if he stays in her
house? Please netment.
A77 : I admit to my surprise that it is the social
custom in your part of the world that after marriage the man stays in
the woman’s home. As you say, this is contrary to what prevails in most
parts of the world. However, social traditions differ from one place to
another and what is traditionally valued in one place may be horrifying
to the population of another. Take for example the simple requirement
of a dower made by the man to his prospective wife, as a requirement of
the marriage contract. In some places, within the Muslim world, this is
reversed because it is the wife’s family who pays a dowry to the
prospective husband. The larger the amount of the dowry, the better the
husband they may be able to secure. In the situation you describe as
prevailing in your city, it is the wife’s family who is responsible to
provide a home for the prospective married couple. My surprise,
however, is much greater at those preachers you have described claiming
that this is forbidden in Islam and giving the hollow argument of what
happens in case of divorce. I am here judging by your statement. What I
would have expected preachers who have had a sound Islamic education to
do is to emphasize the rights and duties of each of the two marriage
partners. To do so, they would need to emphasize that every Muslim must
support his wife, even if she is better off than him. He should provide
her with acnetmodation, food, clothing and medical care according to
his means. If he fails to do so, he is in breach of his duties and she
may claim these by right. The best division of responsibilities in the
family is that which the Prophet advised to his cousin, Ali and his
daughter, Fatima. The Prophet was the fairest of human beings. He
treated all people on the basis of justice. Never did he favour any
person if that meant being unfair to another. Indeed he could pay or
incur a liability or responsibility which he need not have incurred, if
that meant that everyone would get his fair share. He would not be
unjust to his own daughter, nor would he be unjust to his cousin who
was married to her, for anything in the world. The advice he gave them
was that the man was responsible for what is done outside the house and
the woman was responsible for what is inside. This means that she takes
care of the family home and the upbringing of children, while he works
and earns the living of the family. Having said that, I add that it is
permissible for Muslims, regardless of what relationship they may have,
to give each other by way of gift whatever they wish. It is not wrong
of anyone to accept a gift except where it means bribery. The Prophet
himself accepted gifts, although he never accepted charity. If a woman
makes a gift to her husband, he is free to accept it. This applies to
her dower and to anything else she may have. She may give him a house
to live in, or she may gift him with the usage of the house, retaining
its possession herself. What is most important to realize in this
regard is that the gift should be given freely, without pressure or
coercion. If a husband insists on his wife to give him a gift, large or
small, then he is doing something forbidden. But if she gives him the
same thing or an ever better one freely, he incurs no blame for
accepting it. In your situation, perhaps it is best to look at the
tradition in your part of the world as a gift being given by the
bride’s family to the bridegroom. As such, he is free to accept it. It
is not unnetmon in parts of the world, where acnetmodation is scarce,
for a rich father to give his daughter a flat or a house as a gift. He
may have a variety of reasons for doing so, including securing his
daughter’s future after his death. He may think that should problems
arise in her marriage and she gets divorced, she will have something to
fall back on and she will not be abandoned. If the daughter gets
married, she is free to make her house the family home, in which case,
the husband moves into her house. Let us now turn to the situation
which those preachers have mentioned and determine what are the
responsibilities of the couple in case of divorce. When a man divorces
his wife, by saying to her that he divorces her, she starts her waiting
period which lasts until she has netpleted three menstrual periods or
three periods of cleanliness from menstruation. If she does not
menstruate, her term is three months. If she is pregnant, her waiting
period lasts until she gives birth to her baby. During this time, she
remains in the family home and her husband is not allowed to turn her
out except in a case when she netmits gross indecency. During her
waiting period, the married couple may resume their marital
relationship, which means the cancellation of the divorce and the
reinstatement of the marriage. This does not require a new marriage
contract or a fresh dower. It only requires the agreement of both
parties to the new arrangement. This system serves multiple purposes.
One purpose is to allow the separating man and wife, a chance to
reconsider after tempers have cooled down. They will be facing the
prospects of going their separate ways and the closer the time draws
for their separation, they will be thinking hard about their future.
They may reflect on what has happened and determine that it may be in
their best interest or in the best interest of their children to be
reunited. If the man is living in the woman’s home, this obviously
cannot be done because it is he who will have to leave the house. In
most cases, it will be determined that practicalities require that the
man should leave. This does not abrogate the waiting period, when the
woman is not allowed to get married to someone else. It would only mean
that they reflect on their situation when they are apart. The gift
which was given to the man in the first place is no longer applicable.
The man should still pay maintenance to his divorcee during her waiting
period but it does not follow that he should take her to his own home.
Perhaps we should mention here that another purpose of the waiting
period is that the woman will have time to do her arrangements. She
does not suddenly find herself in the street, if she has no close
relatives to whom she may go. But if she is in her own home, this does
not apply. In short, if the preachers have nothing more to say about
the situation, I find their argument hollow and unacceptable.
Our Dialogue ( Source : Arab News – Jeddah )